To Heal

Be Open To The Abundance of the Universe.

Hogmanay and this year-end is a strange one. This is the first time in my forty odd years that I’ve spent it alone. The house is quiet; too quiet for New Year’s Eve. It’s just me, the dogs and some left over Chinese takeaway.

For one reason or another I’ve never been a fan of New Year’s Eve; as a child I found a house full of boozy, over exuberant adults bewildering and slightly scary. As a teenager with an older boyfriend (I was sixteen, he was twenty-one) I loathed the custom of ‘first footing‘. For the most part, it was torture having to visit people I didn’t know or like. Sitting in a strangers house, perched awkwardly on the edge of a seat, drinking an Advocatt pierced with a bright red glace cherry. Small chat and fending off personal questions from prying folk, they were like vultures circling a corpse.

But let’s put me being slightly maudlin aside. I’ve poured myself a dram and am outside having a fag. I can hear my neighbours celebrating with music and laughter and it makes me smile. Warmed as I sit watching the first fireworks bring in the change (ignoring the fact one of my dogs is barking like a loon). I kick myself up the arse and think of my husband, away from home, working. Remind myself, that this a happy home that’s had its fair share of parties. Moreover, know that change is good and I’m happy that my sons are out with girlfriends and friends celebrating being young. How touched I was at their concern for me being on my own and their drunken midnight Facetime’s. The kindness of friends with New Year well wishes and inappropriate GIF’s.

For some the eve of the coming year is a time of reflection and resolutions, for others they are just glad to see the back of it. Personally, I’m not into resolutions – I’m way to impulsive.

Resolutions and cue January, the worst month for a woman. To be sure, all those abandoned resolutions will come back to punish you, thanks to mass media providing you with an annual reminder of the past year’s failures. A dizzying array of topics, no one gets out alive; too fat, not fit, plain lazy. Possibly unhealthy, definitely misguided and sin of all sins, being old (basically anything over age of twenty-five). Likewise, maybe you drink alcohol, eat sugar or shock horror (whispers) eat carbs. Perhaps you just relaxed the regime over the festive period. Whatever, the media are the boot camp bully boys. Forthwith, the fun’s over ladies, you cannot possibly be content with yourself. Confident? We shall see about that! We’ll have you feeling inadequate again in no time.

Fortunately, I couldn’t give a fuck, fell out with that bull shit years ago. Immune or not, I’m grabbing up my winter love handles and hibernating until at least March. That way I can hide from the avalanche of New Year/New You complete with the obligatory, yawn inducing Before/After’s. This mama bear has way bigger fish to catch.

However, it is Hogmanay and I am more reflective than usual but then it was one helluva fucking year; 2017 was hard, really hard. However, as hard as it was, I wouldn’t change a thing. I cut the ties that bind, and gave the gift of absence to those who did not appreciate my presence.

Nature Never Did Betray the Heart That Loved Her

I am a keen hill walker having climbed a fair few in my time. Mountains are the perfect metaphors for life. Hill walking is like life, it’s a step into the unknown; setting off with a mixture of eager anticipation and trepidation. The hills teach respect, one will never feel more insignificant when at the mercy of a mountain. The climb will be a struggle and you will have to dig deep (and breathe through your arse). It never gets easier just more familiar but each mountain will teach you a new lesson. There will always be obstacles, just keep moving forward. Be patient. Without doubt it will be a slog but oh the reward, the best view comes after the hardest climb (unless the weather decides to gift you with a white out).

My heart lies in the Cairngorms, it is where I feel most vivid; yet by contrast, where I am most at peace. I quote from Nan Shepherd’s The Living Mountain, it is an exquisite, beautifully written book; and my bible. “So simply to look on anything, such as a mountain, with the love that penetrates to its essence, is to widen the domain of being in the vastness of non-being. Man has no other reason for his existence.” 

Above all, nature is my church; Mother Nature my goddess; she has never failed me, her gift of intuition saved my life. The Winter Solstice marks the longest night of the year. It is also the turning point; signifying the rebirth of the sun and the return of the light. In effect, without dark we cannot have light; from the dark, strength and life emerge. Consequently, the reward for surviving the depths of winter is spring. Snow drops and the opportunity to plant your dreams.

So by letting go and listening to my instinct I unearthed a panacea; it struck a chord, I lit a match and burned those fucking bridges to the ground.

I;

Faced my fears.

Determined I wouldn’t heal in the same environment that made me sick.

Said no.

Discovered I am not what happened to me.

Am so not what others told me I am.

Set my boundaries, regardless of the cost.

Accepted that to find myself I would have to lose others.

Found not everybody deserves a seat at my table, irrespective of who they are.

Realised blood is not thicker than water.

Owned my shit.

Learned that walking away had nothing to do with weakness and everything to do with strength.

Walked away not because I wanted others to realise my worth but because I finally realised my own.

Forgave.

Embraced the glorious mess that I am.

Regardless, I am enough, a force of nature does not need validation.

And that there’s no cure for being a cunt.

So here’s to 2018, wishing you all joy, happiness and love in abundance. I shall leave you with the this beautiful wee poem from Eric Hanson;

“Life is unpredictable, it changes with the seasons. Even your coldest winter, happens for the best of reasons. And though it feels eternal, like all you’ll ever do is freeze. I promise Spring is coming and with it, brand new leaves”

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2 comments
  1. Beautiful words, always inspiring and intriguing to read your blogs, I always want more! So happy to hear your giving it all to write and so excited to see what you unearth 😁

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